pieces

In honor of System Administrator Appreciation Day (SAAD), I would like to bring you some of my favorite quotes from one of the funniest sites on the internet (edited for language):

Conversation snippet:

Me: “Sir, I [went to our co-location building, located your server in our cabinet farm, and] consoled into your Windows Server 2003 1U server just as you asked me to, and actually verified the files you were copying from the CD-ROM drive weren’t copying across.”
Cust: “Okay, so why weren’t they?”
Me: “The CD-ROM drive was open.”
Cust: “I tried closing it by remote, but Windows told me it couldn’t find the CD!”
Me: “The machine was right in this case, sir.”
Cust: “Huh? Then where the hell did my Windows source CD go?!?”
Me: “Funny thing that, I actually found it on the floor of the cabinet against the door: it fell on my boots when I opened it.”
Cust: “Wha…..? Er, well, can you just put the CD back in?”
Me: “I did, however it looks badly scratched from its fall, it keeps bringing up CRC errors when I tried to access it before I contacted you.”
Cust: “*swearing* Then how the hell did a CD just jump out of an ejected CD-ROM tray???”
Me: “Um, I also noticed you racked your server upside-down. Suffice to say, sir, when the CD tray ejected, gravity came into force.”And they wonder why I come back from co-lo visits in a good mood.

Web form submission:

Clueless grad student/summer intern: When I right click on a link in IE 6 and select Open in New Window, it opens in a new window, that is above the current window I’m in. I don’t want it to do that.

It’s Friday. We have a production server down, people attempting remote access from across the Atlantic, and this guy’s upset with how MicroSoft does stuff? WTF? I’ll code up a new version right away, sir. I’ll also go and build that ATM that dispenses money without debiting your account while I’m at it.

Time for another story!

I check voicemails every morning. I plod through them, listening to the same voice stumble over numbers and letters over and over until I’m confident I have enough information to let another tech make the call back. One I got yesterday…it just takes the cake. (logins and numbers changed for the hell of it.)

Hello. I am not know what is the customer number you are wanting…I have login. What is customer number? *pause* Login is p as in paul. A as in…application. O as in…OK. D as in…as in…as don’t. A as in…a is application. P as in toy. A is an application.

I will leave number. It is +47…39…67 yellow 8. Please be calling me back.

If you ever find yourself in the position to leave voicemail, please remeber a few things.

01. State your name clearly. If you do not, then I will make up a new name for you. It will involve the phrase “a$$rabbit”.
02. Spell any logins. Preferably using the nautical alphabet. Honestly, people. They spent a long time getting that together. Each word is picked because it is fairly distinct from other words (X-ray can be forgiven.) It’s not that hard.
03. Repeat any numerical sequence atleast twice. Again–use common sense. You can’t spell numbers. I’m not going to get it the first time. I hate having to repeat 60 seconds of you stuttering into your phone just for a handful of numbers.
04. Speak slowly. Don’t rush. You might not think you have an accent–but unless you’re from the Midwestern USA, YOU HAVE AN ACCENT. Southerners–”eyes” “ice” and “a$$” might as well be the same word. DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN E AND I?! Yankees–what the H— is a “qwarter”? Some kind of mutant h2o? Aussies–are you saying “hello” or insinuating something about my sexuality? Brittons–your words do not mean what you think they do in other langages. Like fags. If you’re going out for a fag–AMERICANS DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. French people–don’t say “horse”. Don’t say “h”. Avoid the letter “h” in all of your logins. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT AN EWCH IS. Indians–you’re english is not the good. Please to be the expecting of having to be of the repeating. The rest of you–MORE INSULTING THINGS ABOUT YOUR DIALECTS AND CULTURAL HERITAGE. HAH. HAH.
05. Be detailed. I’m so MUCH more inclined to call you back when I KNOW that your operating system won’t install on such-and-such a motherboard–is that a hardware raid? DIE IN A FIRE. But hey–atleast I want to tell you that. As oposed to those of you who say your name, your number, and you login. IT’S NOT THE MILITARY. YOU ARE NOT A POW. GIVING OUT INFORMATION IS NOT TREASON.
06. Colors are not a vaild part of your phone number. I don’t care where you’re from. THERE IS NO “YELLOW” KEY ON MY NUMBER PAD.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Me: Would you spell your last name, please?

Luser: Sure! That’s P as in Paul, U as in *pauses* unicorn, R as in Ron, B as in Becky, E as in Edward, C as in Carl, K as in Karl

That’s it! The gloves are off! Woe to the Luser that gets me today. Now I am gonna start using S as in sea, Y as in you, W as in why, and E as in eye.

When people download evals of our software off our site, we send them weekly reminders telling them how much longer their evaluation is, blah blah blah. Oftentimes, we get responses to these emails with stuff like “I tried it and I don’t like it, but thanks” or “so far I am having trouble with _____” - and that’s fine. I don’t care why you don’t like it. I didn’t write it. BUT this one takes the cake. Here’s a reply I got today from someone evaluating our firewall:

Dear Support

Thanks for your email

Since I downloaded the software, I have not been able to use it as I dont have internet access.

I will try and give you feed back when my internet is restored.

Thank you

Um… yeah… so how did they…? Or? You know what? Nevermind. Just nevermind.

The EXACT text of the ticket I just completed.
User want’s to burn CD’s. Advised user that the laptop she has is not capable of doing this.
User demands that I remote to her machine and give it software to burn CD’s.
Advised user that her machine is physically incapable of burning CD’s from a manufacturing standpoint, not software. User does not accept this, and demands that I remote to her machine to install software to burn CD’s.
Explained again that she would need a CD-RW capable drive in order to burn CD’s.
User requests I remote to her machine and make that change.
Advise user that it is a hardware related issue.
User asking to speak to manager.
No manager available to speak to user ona non-priority issue.
User states she will speak with her manager and lodge a complaint for refusal to assist.

Yes, I know, I really am a nerd… but I practically fell out of chair on some of these.

For more of these gems, go to http://community.livejournal.com/techsupport

I have decided to read the entire Robert A. Heinlein library. I happened upon his books (having previously only read Stranger in a Strange Land) in the library about 12 months ago, and have read about a dozen of his works since then. But many of them involve his “future history” (alternate universe) series, and I’d really like to read them in order rather than the haphazard way I have been going about it. Fortunately, one of the books (The Man Who Sold the Moon) has a timeline, so I think I’ll start there.

On a related note, the whole reason I came across his books is that I like to browse. I like books (I never see myself reading them online), and I like to take them off the shelf and look at them and when my arms are too full to carry any more I know I’m ready to check out. However, I find it impossible to browse in any meaningful way in libraries that use the Library of Congress system rather than the Dewey Decimal Classification. I think it’s just because of what I’m used to, but I can’t find anything, as the books don’t seem to be grouped in any logical order. I found Heinlein because he’s close to the elevator of the floor I’m usually on.

We went camping this weekend at the Illinois River in northeastern Oklahoma. It’s something my mother’s family has been doing for years, and is something of a family reunion, especially now that we don’t see each other every year during the holidays anymore.

Anyway (yes, I know, I’m starting to sound like Jack, starting conversations with “anyway”), it’s always lots of fun, as we spend our time catching up with everyone and relaxing in the middle of nowhere (no cell phones or TV). Of course, no trip is complete without a wild story or two! I’ll post pictures and more details in a day or two. For now, I need some sleep.

Has it really been that long already? It’s been absolutely wonderful.

Well, I need to finish packing up for our river trip. Details when we return.

“micromesh screen strains pulp”

Unfortunately, I was reading the product catalog out loud at that time. But Jack didn’t laugh at me. (Right.)

Try it. Really.

thinks the scratching post is something that must be attacked and destroyed:

he does the dishes!

How exactly are the Cowboys 6 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl? And this is down from 5 to 2. How can so many people pick them knowing the destructive force that T.O. has been on so many other teams? At least wait until we see which guy we’re going to get this year.

And no, I don’t think I’ll be buying his book.